A Child Will Always Exclaim at the Wonder of a Rainbow.

December 18, 2011

Children are a precious gift in that they make us take stock of the world and our small little place in it. They are bound up with energy and curiosity and the ability to say things as they see them so much so that they often take us by surprise.  Being around children can drive you to the point of insanity. They are messy and disorganized, exhausting and demanding. Children are also gentle and loving and new. So new that they see the world through the eyes that we once saw with too.
As a mother you can get caught up in all the day-to-day aspects of life. The washing, food shopping, getting the kids to school on time, making sure you have all your information for the meeting you’ll have as soon as you’ve dropped the last child at child-care only to discover you left it on the kitchen bench in that rush out the door. There is nothing new about any of this to you. This is just annoying. This is just a daily point of repetition (the washing) or frustration ( the forgotten information sitting idly on the bench with the dog, who you also forgot to put out).

Being a mother is at times boring. There is nothing to get enthused about when you know your day will be filled with dirty nappies or sullen teenagers. Your face will not spontaneously erupt into smiles of pleasure knowing the day ahead is a repeat of yesterday with school lunches to make, laundry to be ironed and breakfast to be cleaned up off the floor and the walls. Motherhood can be a boring, repetitive, unappreciated grind. Did it yesterday, do it again today.

The freshness that children bring to the world is often lost on us in this daily grind.  It is easy to dismiss the enthusiasm a child exudes when they bring a freshly dug worm from the garden to show you how it wriggles when they are walking the dirt all over the floor. It is easy to get lost in the drudgery that is motherhood.

The washing will not go away. The food will not bring itself to the table and faced with the prospect of doing the same thing repetitively one can see that the newness of the world can lose its luster. There is hope however. Harnessing back the hope of what life is yet to bring is a way of reclaiming the wonder that children express so readily. When you were pregnant with your first child, you had dreams of what parenting would bring, of how life would be different, of how you would be as a mother. The reality is a lot harsher but the hope is still there. That feeling of newness, the eagerness to see what the day brings did not get thrown out with the bath water. You have to want to reclaim it. It is laying dormant in you, waiting for you to remember the little girl inside who knew how to appreciate the world and how to dream big in it. No, the household chores will not magically disappear but when you see the world with new eyes, with the wonder and enthusiasm of a child, you will find that those day-to-day tasks will become less of a grind.

So we too can exclaim at the wonder of washing. Hide a worm in there, so that when you go to fold the washing your exclamation when you discover it will at least be genuine. But try not to walk dirt all over the floor…it’s just been washed.

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The Long Dark Night of the Soul is the gateway to understanding.

March 18, 2012

At some point in the journey that is motherhood, you may hit some point of indefinable grief that you may feel you can no longer get out of bed in the morning.

For some, this is a reality. They CANNOT get out of bed. Immobilized by grief or depression the symptoms are real and their whole physiology will throw up it’s arms and take a holiday in Tahiti.

This grief may be in many forms. A miscarriage, the inability to have a child or any more children, early menopause before you were ready, the death of a child, the realization that your child is not the person who you thought they were and hoped they’d be, the death of a partner or parent or best friend, the coming out of your child as gay, illness of your child or yourself, or your partner or your pet. Or something as simple as the loss of who you were before you became a mother or the death of a dream.

Grief is grief. Depression is real. And what may immobilize one will not immobilize another. It is as varied as the box of chocolates and does not make one person a better mother than another because of their breaking point or ability to cope.

What matters the most is how you come out the other end. Whole, in pieces, in new pieces, a reformed puzzle or a completely different art-work. Everyone will respond and come out differently.

Your understanding of yourself or your situation is what counts the most. Not other people’s opinion of your situation, but yours. With this in hand you have the opportunity to take the darkest moment of your life and apply some depth of understanding to it and yourself that no one else could ever do for you.

The opportunity is yours for the taking, even if it takes years to materialize. Go gently on yourself.

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Judgements are like Stormclouds

March 4, 2012

Why do Mothers feel the need to judge each other? Those who feel the need to impinge upon another’s choice by offering a judgment about that choice waste a lot of energy. Because, truth be told, having an opinion about someone’s situation does not make you an expert on their situation – not until you have walked in their shoes. Their shoes are probably a size 5 and with your size 8’s you’d be walking very uncomfortably. Also, having an opinion about someone else’s situation will not change the other person’s situation nor their stance on it. What is more likely is that they will feel alienated by those choices and be less likely to communicate those choices as vocally in the future.

This can be pretty disastrous for all mothers. Motherhood did not come with a manual. So what works for one may be a dreadful mistake for another. But mothers need to feel strong in their decisions and often merely talking about their situation will just bring clarity to what they already knew.  Women like to talk. Women like to talk over a cup of tea or a bottle of wine or in the park or at the swimming pool. In fact wherever you see children gather, you will see mothers talking.

What happens when mothers talk? Do they speak freely about how frustrated they are with their children? Do they talk openly with how afraid they are that they are failing? Do they share their deepest thoughts and dreams about what being a mother means to them regardless if they are a stay-at-home of corporate mum. Chances are they offer a version of themselves, which is not truly whole. Why? Because they fear being judged. Judged and not supported. Judged and condemned. Judged and excluded. Judged and patronized. Judged and alienated.

We all do it. We do it because we are afraid that we are not doing the best job we can. We do it because we are afraid some other mother has a secret manual that we don’t know about which contains all the answers. We do it because we are afraid of what it means to be a mother and whether we are up for the challenge. We are afraid we will not be able to maintain our expectations of ourselves throughout our lifetimes as mothers. Which is silly in itself as we all learn and grow as we experience ourselves as mothers and so we can fall into the trap of judging ourselves too.

Mothers who feel judged about the decisions they have made have to expend more energy then they would need to in order to maintain their position. Having said that, anyone who feels judged also has the option of ignoring those judgments and continuing with the choices they have made. Freedom comes from making choices. Support each other in those choices and put the energy you would have put into judgments into making a chocolate cake and sharing it with the mother you’ve been judging. Even if it means sharing it with yourself.

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The sick, the young and the elderly walk slowly…and they notice more too.

February 26, 2012

The modern mum will have done a load of washing, packed school lunches, hunted for the missing shoe, and un-stacked the dishwasher even before she has had her breakfast. Grabbing a quick bite to eat as she heralds the kids to the car to be dropped off a childcare/kinder/junior and/or senior schools, she will either rush home to face a multitude of tasks or to work where her list will be just as long. And it’s only Monday.

The adage that being a mum means having it all has been turned on its head by the reality that mums are doing it all. Everyday. On the hour. Every hour.  The advent of texting and mobile phones means multitasking mums can be organizing a babysitter whilst on the toilet or order the groceries to be delivered on-line whilst compiling an agenda for the next finance meeting.

The after-school schedule generally allows time for the car seat to be warmed and the swear jar to be greatly serviced as the modern mum ducks and weaves her way through traffic and Lollipop Ladies in order to meet her off-spring’s schedules. Then it’s quickly home to take the washing in, prepare the night’s meal before she’s back in the car to collect tired and hungry children who will complain bitterly about what’s on the menu whilst simultaneously tipping the contents of their school bag on the floor. Witching hour has begun.

So in what has been heralded as the great era for mums, with greater options and even matching handbags to coordinate with the bags growing under their eyes, mums still miss out on many of life’s small moments.

Too busy to notice, too tired to care, mums loose sight of the wonders that truly make life the gift that it is. When you take a walk with a small child, your pace is forced to slow down. They marvel at a snail. Then exclaim at a worm. They poke their fingers into holes in the ground so small you didn’t even know they were there and watch butterflies flitter from flower to flower. They rejoice in all the nature has to offer and look upon it with fondness.  The mother notices the mud encased shoes and ponders on how they will remove the grass-stains from the newly bought pants. They drag at little hands and sigh at the boredom of it all when their 3 year old insists on counting every rubbish bin put out for collection – for the third time that morning. Ahhh, they recall, collecting the mail used to be such a simple affair.

There is satisfaction to be had in the joy that children see in the world.

Take the opportunity as it presents itself to slow down and take off your mother hat. Try to enjoy what your children are enjoying in that present moment and resist the urge to think of all the work that may come out of the event. Truly commit yourself to the present moment and let your eyes open to all that nature has to offer. Slow down and really listen to the words your children are expressing and share in the enthusiasm they bring to the world. Only then should you permit yourself to contemplate the dog poo stuck to your shoe.

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A Comfort Zone becomes just a Zone if you stay there too long.

February 12, 2012

What is it about fear that stops everyone dead in their tracks and prevents them from fully living their life? Fear in itself is just an over-active imagination. Mothers try to encourage their children to engage their imagination rather than remain tethered to the electronic game they are battling. Imagination is a great tool as it allows us to go places we may not normally go and try out situations in our head before we try them out for real. The downside of using ones’ imagination is that it usually leads to a very different reality than the one that will actually happen. We imagine what our situation will be like, what we might say and how others might react but the truth is that the only situation based in reality is that which you are currently in.

Fear really just disguises itself as an overactive imagination. It persuades us to believe that we cannot be all that we desire to be. It encourages us to stay in our comfort zone. It tricks us into believing that a fulfilled life is for other people and that we should just be happy with our lot – good or bad.

Fear doesn’t invite conversation or contemplation. What it does encourage is complacency and lethargy. Fear is very disempowering.  It’s a nasty little splinter, which is tricky to remove.

What were to happen if for one day fear no longer existed? That doesn’t mean common sense would also go out the window causing mothers across the nation to happily stand-by and watch as their Superman costume-wearing 4-year-old leaps off the garage roof.  Imagine if you were able to say ‘today I am not going to allow my fear to stop me today’. Perhaps you would have the courage then to shift from the job that no longer satisfies you, or tell the friend who over-utilizes your babysitting offers that you’d like to discuss the situation or even try out a new sport or hobby.

Silencing that fear voice in your head allows you to move out of your comfort zone. It allows for growth and possibility. Challenging yourself is an opportunity to cultivate new ideas and view your current situation from another angle.

Being a mother does not mean that the routine and stability that your children require will put an end to spontaneity and fresh situations. Staying in the zone will. Giving into your fear will.

So, put on that new shade of lipstick you’ve not been brave enough to try, strap on a pair of sturdy shoes and see what the world has to offer.  And if all that fails to encourage you to give it a go, follow your 4 year old up to the garage roof. I hear that Wonder Woman is renting out her costume.

 

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Communication is empty if you don’t hear the silence.

February 5, 2012

Women are very good at going underground when things start overwhelming them. Rather than reaching out and saying ‘ hey a little help needed here please’, women, and especially mothers will put the needs of everyone else first and silence their inner voice which is calling out for attention.

Some mothers will surround themselves with lots of other mothers where they will talk ad nauseam about all the things that are going on in their lives including what is going on in the lives of their children. They will talk about their last purchase, the recipe they are thinking of cooking, things that bother them about their child’s school or some aspect of their working life. If you look at little closer you may notice that these mothers, although constantly engaged in conversation, allocate very little time to talk about themselves and even less time to talk about how they feel.

Women somehow fear that they will not be seen as being as a good a mother as someone else if they share their innermost secrets. They fear that they will be judged because they failed they ‘ mother test’.  But the only ones administering the ‘mother test’ are other mothers who in reality are not being honest either for a fear of failing the ‘mother test’.

The truth is there is no’ mother test’ other than the one that actively goes on in your own head.  That little voice that says ‘ guilty’ and ‘failure’ and ‘now you’ve scarred them for life’ and a multitude of other silly little negativities, which have no place in reality.  For all the time mothers allocate to the ‘mother test’ they miss the real opportunity to really open up and share themselves with other mothers.  They lose the chance to pass along little emotional trade secrets, which will help other mothers flourish.  They also miss the opportunity to really get in touch with the type of mother they truly can be as a result of worrying about the test.

So next time you are with a bunch of mothers, take the time to look around at the group and pick up the body language. Mothers are good at that, with lots of training when your children were babies. See which women are not sharing everything. Notice what isn’t being said. Perhaps you can be the one to brave your inner critic and start the conversation going about how you feel as a mother. You’d be surprised where the dialogue will go.

Remember that children came without an instruction manual, so there is nothing to study. No book, no test.

Silence the little voice in your head by giving it a male gender. Then ask it to go and find where it put down the screwdriver when they last used it. You should get a fair chunk of quiet time.

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When you are balanced, be prepared to feel yourself float.

January 15, 2012

What sort of life do you lead? Are you one of those mothers who has everything so tightly scheduled there is little room to maneuver? Do you have your children involved in numerous extra-curricular activities, play dates and outings that you don’t know what to do with them when you have a quiet moment? Or are you a mother who is working so hard outside of the home that you have very little time to breathe when all the extra jobs that come with being a mother are done? If you can say you are honestly happy with how things are going in your life then good for you. If however, you feel as though you have compromised yourself out of existence or that something you can’t put your finger on is missing from your life then perhaps you need to give yourself permission to sit back and take stock.

Being a mother means sacrifices and compromise. Heck, being in any relationship, be it work or friendship requires the same. Yet someone in the role as mother, woman are often too ready to compromise to the degree where who they were before they became mothers somehow got lost in between doing helping with the homework and making sure the dog gets fed.

Being less than who you are may make you feel as though you are carrying around a heavy weight. Not necessarily a burden, for being a mother is not a burden, but more akin to a thick woolen over-coat which restricts your movement and fluidity.

If you can look at yourself, really look at yourself and wonder how you go to where you are with a light step, then things are on the up and up. However if you assess your situation and find something lacking now is the time to determine what that is. As mothers, it is easy to say that you will get around to it when your youngest reaches school, or when your first born finishes those final years at school. Being a mother will not stop the moment your last child leaves home. This is it. You’re a mother from here on in. So why delay prioritizing? Thinking of your own needs does not make you a bad mother, it makes you a realistic mother and one who understands that all members of a family are entitled to have their needs met – including you.

Assess what is working in your life and ask yourself why that is so. Are the things that are working in your life the things that give you joy and require little effort or stress to achieve? This does not mean they are not time-consuming, but if they fit you correctly the amount of energy you need to expend doing them will be minimal.

Things that make you feel as though you are walking through mud to get to them will require assessment. See how you can rearrange them to make them work better for you. If they cannot be rearranged, consider dropping them all together. The amount of freed up energy can then be used to work towards something which buoys you up and may make other things on your difficult list easier to manage.

Being a mother is not a fast-paced race to the end. Even the most ardent athlete needs checks and balances, and being a mother is no different to running a marathon. You need to decide whether you wish to be wholly there along the way, or whether you are happy to give yourself less than you deserve.

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Take Yourself Less Seriously

January 8, 2012

Life really is a bit of a joke. Here we are, floating about in space in a small planet in this HUGE universe so the fact that you are sitting in traffic and running 10 minutes late because you couldn’t find your four-year-old’s shoes really is quite laughable. Chances are, at the time, you haven’t seen the humor in it. Like the time you rushed out of the house (yet again) and discovered when you went to change a very smelly nappy that you had forgotten to restock the change-bag. Or the time that you found yourself and all the bedding covered with vomit because you’d taken your sick child to bed with you…and then remembered in a sleep-deprived haze that all the other changes of bedding were still sitting wet in the washing machine……..

These are the moments that when someone suggests you just laugh, all you really want to do is fling that smelly nappy at them.

Being a mother is littered with stress-inducing moments. How you handle that stress and keep the remainder of your hair from turning grey is up to you. Doing it a little less seriously is an option. So is flinging a used nappy, but that will only result in more mess to clean up, so it’s not a very viable option.

Taking yourself and the situation a little less gravely has greater potential for easing you out of any sticky situation and reassuring you lovely locks that grey is not the in-color. Children are very good at making fools of themselves. They love to dress up in clothes that are too big for them and smear their faces with lipstick. They explode with sheer joy at the thought of being able to run naked after or before a bath and any time in between. They frolic on the beach and put seaweed on the head, pretending to be a sea monster, all whilst we sit on a towel and scowl at the sand blowing in your face.

Being a mother is a license for silliness. If you were to run amok on the beach with seaweed on your head when there are no children around, people walking their dog would make a wide circle around you. If however, you are doing the same with children around, chances are the dog will lift his leg on you and the owner will nod sagely in your direction. Not that playing silly needs approval of others.

Being less self-conscious is very liberating, for you and liberating for your children. If mothers were to spend less time worrying about what others many think of them and more time just getting down and dirty with their children, they would realize that being silly is fun and fun makes you smile.  Children like it when their mother is happy. They love it when she is smiling (not the fake one mind!) and a mother can only give a heartfelt smile when she is realistic about letting go of the image she feels others have of her and just enjoys her children. And if someone gives you a disapproving look offer them some seaweed too….just not the one the dog peed on.

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Let Your Soul Be a Jewel in the Web of Life

December 11, 2011

As mothers we often forget to put ourselves first. The nurturing part of us takes over and we make sure that everyone else is ok before we are. But at what cost? Women who feel that they can have it all are finding that all is not enough and that all – perhaps work and family, or only family in the case of a stay-at-home mum – does little to refresh the soul.

We look at our lot in life and think we could not possibly be unhappy with what we have. We have our children. We have our house. We have our work. We have our partner. Perhaps we have all of these things or perhaps a combination of the above. In any case, we are still dissatisfied.

Unfortunately there exists of code of silence between mothers so much so that we look at other mothers and think that they appear to have it all together, appear to cope with all that is on their plate, appear to have all of their needs met, that we think that we are the only one who is just not grateful.

If women were to speak honestly and openly about their role as wife/mother/housekeeper/employee we would all see that there are many aspects of life that every individual is dissatisfied with.  The underlying reason being that the small thing that makes us who we are, the shining light of our being, our soul is being neglected.

In place of being and doing what makes your soul shine, mothers are perpetually plagued by guilt and the need to do the to-do list that their soul looses its shine and becomes more lackluster.

If you took the time to do one thing for yourself each day that made your soul shine imagine how much light would shine on those around you. Put away the to-do list, toss away the guilt and do something for your soul. It may be something as simple as allowing yourself the time to sit in the sun with your favorite tea cup (the one you’ve kept for that special occasion) and really just be in the moment.  Or it may be when you give yourself permission to wear some clothes with confidence instead of being self-conscious of your post-baby body.  Or it may be when you chose to pursue some new aspect of your life, which prior to becoming a mother, you would not have had second thoughts about. Find your passion and follow it.

Be the color of your jewel and let it sparkle.

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Live Your Truth

December 4, 2011

You would think after all these millennia, woman would have worked out how to live genuine and honest lives. This is not referring to the little lies we tell ourselves each day, like when you catch your child in the pantry and they say in reply to your question of  “what do you have?”……..’nothing’.

Well in some ways they are little lies. Little lies about how happy you are. Little lies about how you will get around to doing something for yourself when there isn’t someone else who needs something first. Little lies about how you are coping running a house, managing the children, keeping up with your friends and family and volunteering commitments and work and maintaining world peace in the house all on four hours sleep.

Chances are that you, along with many other mothers are not satisfied with where your life is at  the moment. Chances are you are being the type of mother/wife/partner/employee/housekeeper/daughter/sister/aunt/negotiator of world peace whom you think you should be.

When girls are little, many of them play house. They play Mummies and Daddies and learn to take on the role of nurturer before they have even learnt how to read. In some cultures it is a given that females will be the nurturers and nothing is negotiable.

So, extracting yourself, your genuine self, from the situation you are currently in, can you honestly define the truth of who you are and what it means to be you? What is it about your current situation that doesn’t sit comfortably with you? Which parts of your personality have you compromised in order to fit some ideal, real or otherwise, about who you should be as a mother and why?

Try stepping outside your situation and go back to yourself as the little girl. Did you play Mummies and Daddies? Did you play backyard mechanics, or jockeys or models or hairdressers or deep-sea divers? Try to look back at what it meant to be you before you felt society/your culture/your age/your gender impose upon you what you were meant to be and how you were meant to be that.

Living your truth does not mean that you give up on being a mother. It does not mean that your children are not a priority. It means that you are being honest with yourself about what it means to be you and living that honesty without fear everyday.  If living your truth means you want to wear something girlie even though you grew up in an all-male household and were teased horrendously for even thinking about it, then give yourself permission to do so and be comfortable with that choice. If living your truth means there is a career out there you only vaguely contemplated because you were concerned about how others might react, then look into how you can get into this area of work and face the questions with a confident ‘yes I am’, even if you don’t feel confident at first.

Living your truth, whatever that means for you will result in you being a more relaxed person. You will not be channeling all your energies into being something you are not, doing a job that is not you, being the sort of mother that doesn’t really suit you. What a better gift to the daughters of the world than to be actively showing them that, even if it scares you, your truth is important to you.

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